Golly, has it really been 4 years since my last post?! Doesn't time fly. I have often thought about this blog and wish I had kept it up; partly because it's a good exercise to process, think, write and ponder on life happenings but it's also a great record for the future...when life may have moved on, my once big time problems faded into insignificance, or the memories that are so fresh and I believe will stay that way are slightly stale. So I am going to write; whatever I like and whatever I'm thinking about, whether it's 400 words or 40, I am determined to at least bring them out of head and commit them to screen.
So 4 years since my last post...what has happened? Namely 2 utterly adorable and gorgeous mini-humans. My daughter is fast approaching 2 and my son just 4 months - they are absolutely fabulous and I love being a Mumma but boy is it a steep learning curve. The last 2 years I have seen many new dimensions to my character and lifestyle - strength I never knew existed, frustration I didn't think possible, loneliness I didn't expect, sleep deprivation...yeah kinda expected that one, joy and pride that makes my heart want to spontaneously combust, selflessness that I've had to dig deep for, fears for the future that can keep me awake at night, laughter that comes from making a fool of yourself for your toddler's entertainment, determination and discipline that are the backbone to raising 2 humans you'll be happy to claim as yours... I said it was a steep curve right?!?
I would sometimes (and still do) internally (or not so internally) roll my eyes at those who talk all day about their kids and their role as parents as if it is all they've ever done and will do.
I do, however, understand them so much better. Motherhood is all consuming. Children will take and take and take and take. It's not a bad thing, they are new to this world and it's a hard job understanding how it works (we're still trying our best to work that one out) They do not do it spitefully or selfishly - it's just their innate nature. It is all consuming but takes discipline to not allow it to consume you - who you are, what you enjoy doing, how you relax, recharge and feed your soul.
Not to say I have cracked this at all. I am fighting to keep a balance and to not lose sight of Trev along the way.
In a spiritual sense, I am trying to keep my eyes fixed on Father God - who is giver of life and love. Trying to keep my ear to His heart for vision, direction and instruction. I have to believe there is a greater purpose for me to further His Kingdom - to reach the lost, broken and downhearted.
In a non-spiritual sense, I am trying to have conversations that don't revolve around the children (especially with my non-kid-bearing friends), finishing conversations with my Mummy friends even if it means bribing the littles with chocolate, pursing passions and interests of mine - someone once said 'I used to like reading before I had kids' - she didn't mean that she no longer enjoys it, just that sadly she feels there isn't time to enjoy a book once you've got such limited free time and so many demands on it. These things sound simple, but believe me - they are not.
After putting the kids down to sleep, packing away dinner stuff, sorting the spectacular array of toys that scatter the lounge, putting out laundry and folding clothes, prepping lunch for the next day and barely catching breath, I'd like nothing more than to curl up in bed before 9pm or veg in front of the tv. There will be days for that no doubt but I hope there'll more too...
So I suppose that's the update. There will be much mention of the littles. There will hopefully be something else as well. Who knows?!
Until next time, let's hope it's not another 4 years!x
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